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| I have this new blog now, but it is no use. I would rather write in here.
I haven't written in quite a while, like usual, but I did want to recount a few red letter days.
This past week has been really good for me vocally. As if I was coming out of a big sleep that involved me not really having any confidence in my sound. But I count my lucky stars every day that I go to Curtis because it really is completely life changing. Maybe I am still finding my ground more or less since my heart is back in Indiana with Stephanie, but my mind is definitely with me. I am doing really well in my classes, and really care about all of them. I can honestly say that I have not zoned out to a single thing that a coach has told me. Yesterday I met the most amazing woman and it sort of revived my magical feeling. She is so french. I went up to her colorful apartment amidst the gray, dark linear building view through her window and complimented her about it. She told me stories of Curtis vs. Julliard, and the people at Curtis, and people at the Met, and the french language, and all basically normal things with a sort of air of beauty or philosophy which felt completely reachable, and was very sensual. Just like the French language, she curved her lips around every one of those curvy words.
So, this weekend has involved a lot of opera watching. Marriage of Figaro, Tosca, and Rigoletto at Di Capo. As I sat in Tosca, my disappointment over where opera was headed, or had headed, or actually wasn't heading but seemed like it was momentarily, peeked through. What I said to Stephanie "i guess i also realized today that i might in fact rather sing in very small, no-name places if it meant that i would create great art, and that not all big name places really create art either. today i realized, as i watched tosca, that so much about opera is based on status and snootyness and expectations and reviews and precedents.. and so little is based on the real meaning gained from a SINGLE performance that an "opera goer" goes to. that is why it is okay if the acting isn't phenomenal. that is why it is okay if the set is way off time period or tradition. these "opera goers" have seen it all before. operas get commented upon if they can do something new and original, and a lesser requirement is that it makes sense with the original libretto. people complain, people give bad reviews, but if the singers are good, they still come see it for sure, and they get over it. they come to see it out of curiousity so they can talk with their friends and tell them how they didnt like it because it wasnt how they did it in 1933, or 56 when that one singer did this..... oh i miss so and so from 82, what a precedent. yada yada. all those fucking precedents are so hard to compete with damnit. i feel like i cant create any original art. that is why i want to sing in a band. that is why i want to sing in new operas. though, it is th same way with musicals... it is so hard to add your own sort of flare or meaning to something that is collaborated on by so many people. you cant have so many ideas for it, and unless the actors or singers really understand the directors vision.. like intimately and completely and not just conceptually, it is a no go. the production lands flat on its face. people dont realize since they are so used to it. they might not be able to tell a flying production if it bit them in th ass. ive seen a few. ive been in one. it is amazing. that is the point of everything. but gosh... if i can ever be in one again... an opera.. if i can ever be in an opera outside of my school! well, that in itself would be rewarding enough. if i was only paid enough to eat with and share rent with you, i would be happy if those people walked out of the theater really understanding the story.. maybe i could make them cry... maybe i could make them love their husbands a little more.
i have heard these things in concept so many times by othe people who live as performers, and you know how when you are young you can assume so many things and think you know them, and you practically do because you are that smart, but you understand them in a whole new way when you actually.... well.. do. now i do, and i really think that that is th epurpose.
the problem with me is that i would want to do a million things involved with the production at once. conduct, stage direct, set design, you name it. i would want to fix that damn jump today in tosca.. put the chick in a harness and have her do a graceful swan dive off the tower, secret slip of white gauze material popping out of her dress and flowing like a banner when she dove. that would be beautiful i think. the performance was almost good enough in ONE spot to make me cry. ALMOST good enough. saying that about a TOSCA performance is not good news at all. Tosca. One of Puccini's most beautiful and heart wrenching stories of love and murder... and suicide. it is intense. with the most beautiful aria.. V'issidarte. i have no idea if that is spelled right. anyway, that sucks.. for th emetropolitan opera ny.
you know, i think that if people did it like they used to back in the early 1900s and late 1800s in europe when depending on the country they were in, they would do the opera in that language and have a translation done. it makes way more sense. i mean, of course americans dont understand italian. and they never will no matter how much they see th eopera, because when there are subtitles they are too busy reading those to listen to th ewords being sung, and because of that the standards for singers to say the words correctly are way lower. so you end up getting these crazy singers and productions where they just sort of sound like gibberish and the absolute only reason for this is to preserve tradition or precendent about the opera, but not to please the audience, not to please the singesr who have to learn all of this translation, not to please the stage director or anyone else who doesnt know a lick of that language either, but just because. that is why opera is so untouchable. it makes me angry and flustered. in my opera house, everyone would sing all of the operas in english and they would all really mean something, and the singers would be able to act because they would know the difference between the phrases "goodbye" and "go to god" (translation from italian goodbye) which, in perspective, can have very different meanings. maybe you and i can go on that deal with some tycoon who actually wants a casino. we will just take the opera house off of his hands.. ill sing him an aria and cook him dinner in exchange for it, and that will be that."
Talking with Denise Masse, she told me that all that matters is that I independently sing and act well, and I feel that it can also be true this way. If I myself am a great performer, the show can come alive that way. Sets do not matter.
She told me, "this note and this note are two walls, and your life is in the middle" that music happens in between the notes, and as musicians we have to abide by what is written on the page but we have this little freedom in the spaces where we can create true art with our own special self.
I also went to an improv class/show last night in NY. It was called.. OH god I don't even remember. But, I went with Sasha's lover's sister, Bree. She is 17. It is very cute that Matt and Bree both have this eye problem, where they are legally blind and wear red contacts so that their eyes don't have to dialate because they can't. They also change the lightness or darkness of the contacts depending upon how bright it is outside. Anyway, it is cute since Sasha has this wondering eye too. Together, they are just.. adorable. That is not the only reason, but one of them.
Well, I probably have to get ready now since my lesson is at 10, and then back to Curtis.
More on Stephanie later.
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| Strange, dear, but true, dear,
When I'm close to you, dear,
The stars fill the sky,
So in love with you am I.
Even without you
My arms fold about you.
You know, darling why,
So in love with you am I.
In love with the night mysterious
The night when you first were there.
In love with my joy delirious
When I knew that you might care.
So taunt me and hurt me,
Deceive me, desert me,
I'm yours 'til I die,
So in love,
So in love,
So in love with you, my love, am I.
I love Stephanie Yingst.
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| I am feeling very nesty lately. Nid-esque if you will. And, I suddenly want to get married and have lots of babies with Stephanie. I mean, not right now, but eventually. I love her so much. She might drive here from Indiana because she is that crazy. I love her so much. I hope she does come. She has to nab two people to make the trek with. And I would have to house them all. Uh oh. Oh well. :)
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| Stephanie: Like a child that runs to it's mother, I feed off of your beauty and am rejuvenated by your love.
Your laugh echos through my veins like a soft bullet through leaves. I am compromised and fearful.
In your absence I am numbed by time and matter, longing for the refreshment of your ignorance.
A beautiful ignorance that holds no scars and surely no danger, but only light. The light of a foreigner.
The slender neck of your lighthouse protects without shouting warnings, without extending arms or waving flags.
But alone, on the shore, you watch others and know what they do. And you watch me, but a lighthouse never kisses and tells.
Rather, a lighthouse never kisses. It is selfless and unaware, but ever present and sometimes altogether obnoxious.
Flashing by with every couple of passing seconds, the absent minded beach goers put on their sunglasses. Beach dwellers draw their blinds. Tanners toss their towels over their faces.
But the world who understands you surrounds you at all times, never noticing the flash and encompassing you with ever presence. With consistent light, you lead the accepting ones safely to shore.
  
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| So I am pretty much convinced that I only need really two things in my life for sure to make me happy, and these two are besides the given which is family and friends. But these two things are specifics:
Singing, and Stephanie, my girlfriend. The two crucial S's. I can sometimes see my life mapping out rather nicely thinking that I am slowly settling into my future and what I want to accomplish. The path seems not as confusing with her there, and it is nice to know that we will love each other until something catastrophic happens or something goes horribly wrong--basically, we will until further notice, which will hopefully not happen. I have been thinking about singing alot lately.. although what else is new? Feeling like I can't miss any opportunities.. my pushy little rambunctious self trying to get into every niche and cranny, but I realize that maybe that is not necessary and I should just allow myself to be heard and have that speak everything for me. I must be patient.
I think alot about where I want to live with Stephanie, and how we are going to build our treehouse and what kind of animals we are going to have, and how many Indian or African children we are going to adopt, and how we are going to save the world together and eat all our own vegetables.
Currently I am trying to learn Marie from Fille du Regiment, and I ordered the vocal score and am proceeding to highlite, tab, and properly write in literal translation for.. the whole thing. Starting with my part and those who say things immediately before or after me. I am using a white out tape stick just like Gary Arvin recommended and am being very precise. It feels nice to do all the work, and not just skip to the music having it be meaningless.
I thought to myself.. I should probably learn more art songs, but the thing is... I want to be in shows. An opera is a play set to really good music and that is what I want to do. Act in a musical play. And, act in regular plays. Art songs are nice but they are more for the vocalist-instrumentalist at heart, where as other singers are more of the vocalist-actress at heart. I am the second of course. Chamber is fun for scholastic purposes, but usually I won't spend too much time getting into it unless it is really featuring, or modern, or gnarly or something.
Hopefully Stephanie can look into some sort of audio engineering program at the festivals that I apply to for next summer. So far I decided I want to apply to Aspen again, Tanglewood, Music Academy of the West, Wolf Trap, and IVAI Tel Aviv or Puerto Rico. We have seen that there are internships at Aspen, Tanglewood, and Wolf Trap.
I was waiting for the bus today and Lindsay was saying how she never saw her husband because during the year he traveled, and in the summer she was doing programs. I really hope it is not that way for Stephanie and I. I hope that we stay together, and maybe she can travel with me. I don't want to spend most of the time away from her, but I want to spend all of the time with her. I hope that wouldn't bore her just following me around, but hopefully she can work there or with it or find time around it or something. I hope she transfers to NYU. That would make things alot easier.
She is the most beautiful person who has ever been a crucial part of my life, in a very natural and pure way. She fools you with her clothing and piercing and tattoo, but really is the opposite of anything you would expect. Fair skin and hair, and bright blue eyes, she is really captivating, and her laugh is adorable. I am so happy. Saying all of these nice things feels like it is so trite or fake, but its really not. She is so giving and caring and wonderul. I love her so much.
It is by far the most healthy relationship I have ever been in, and I know she will actually make a complete effort to always see me and make mutual, or even more than mutual sacrifices for our relationship. I feel bad about that often and tell her I must do something in return and tell her not to do these things, but she says that it is because it makes her happy so I guess that is great. Why did I get so lucky?
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